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A Typology of Insecurities in Non-monogamy:

Because “jealousy” and “envy” aren’t all there is.

19 min readOct 15, 2025

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Three ducks in flight. Photo by Roger Chapman on Unsplash

“Envy is wanting what someone else has; jealousy is the fear of losing what you have.”

It’s a pretty commonly accepted truism within the polyamorous world; you can find examples of envy and jealousy being contrasted that way here, here, and here. And though in theory nonmonogamous people should welcome the discussion of any challenging feelings that rise up in our relationships, as a group we tend to find the soft, easily-reassured form of jealousy to be far more sympathetic than something that can look a lot more feral or unfair.

It is obvious why polyamorous communities feel the need to distinguish between healthy, expressible, easily remedied forms of jealousy and toxic, controlling, unfixable envy, ie the ‘bad’ kind of jealousy we are quick to disavow.

“What do you do about jealousy?” is one of the most common and annoying questions that the non-monogamous get asked from people outside our community. The fact that jealousy happens and cannot always be fixed is a problem that we are expected to answer for, a bug in our relationship structures, whereas monogamous people get to see jealousy as a feature that helps preserve relationships.

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Devon Price
Devon Price

Written by Devon Price

Social Psychologist & Author of LAZINESS DOES NOT EXIST and UNMASKING AUTISM. Links to buy: https://linktr.ee/drdevonprice

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