Am I Trans for the Right Reasons? Does it Matter?

Self-doubt, denial, and the existential trans horror of I Saw the TV Glow.

I received this question in my Tumblr ask box the other day, and it got me thinking about the years I spent delaying transition, the damaging rhetoric of detransitioned TERFs that motivated me to do so, and Jane Schoenbrun’s excellent new film about trans longing and self-denial, I Saw the TV Glow:

Anon, your message touched my heart because I devoted many years to pondering this same question for myself — and doing so never did me any good.

I turned the twisted knot of my gender dysphoria over and over in my head for years, looking at how I felt about my body, my social presentation, my voice, my job prospects, and my sexuality from all angles, trying to untangle the true essence of who I was from the pain of living in a sexist world that said I must be a wife and mother. I tracked every snarl of self-loathing and discomfort as far back as I could follow it, hoping to find its origin, the “root” that would explain why I didn’t identify as a woman. I thought that if I understood why I felt as I did, then I’d know what to do about it.