Another element to this is how frequently religious institutions, particularly universities, obfuscate about how intolerant they actually are. I taught for a few years at an Evangelical Christian College that went to great pains to present itself as a tolerant place -- and to hide any explicit messaging about the homophobic, transphobic positions of the church that owned and ran the school. Students & faculty who spoke out about discrimination they experienced were silenced, and treated as disruptive, bad-faith actors. When we organized to push the church to reevaluate its stances against gay clergy and officiating gay weddings, we were punished. After Trump's election, I was reprimanded simply for seeking to comfort queer students who were terrified about the future. Acknowledging that their fears were legitimate was considered unprofessional.

Today, I'm a professor at a Jesuit institution that bills itself as far more progressive -- gender-neutral bathrooms in all the dorms (but not the staff buildings interesting), pride flags strategically placed. But my employer still is beholden to the Catholic church, and uses a religious exemption ruling to justify not paying for employees' transition-related healthcare. It's exhausting and really feels like gaslighting to be in environments that are actively, materially hostile to me yet are aghast to even hear me name it or recognize it.

Okay that was a long tangent. But suffice to say, the amount of dishonesty, intolerance, and mealy-mouthed rejection and dehumanization that queer people have to swallow from religious institutions is something that is always on my mind. And I've seen the exact victim-blaming reactions you outlined here more times than I can count. I hate that we are expected, as queer people, to single-handedly overcome or escape this stuff, or if not to simply shut up about enduring it.