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The following was performed and recorded live at Hopleaf by Cassandra, a comedy collective that seamlessly weaves outrageous characters, storytelling, live lit, and music into one hilarious live show.

Writer 1:
So I think, for this episode, we should feature a sensitive, well-researched exploration of stress-induced vaginismus.

Writer 2:
Yeah, and we can have Ice T be kind of an audience surrogate, you know, he can go “What’s vaginismus?”

Writer 3:
-and then Mariska Hargitay can grab him on the arm and do that thing where she winces and whispers at the same time and says “it’s a very personal, stressful form of vagina spasming — ”

Writer 1:
And then Ice T will say, “That’s messed up.”

Writer 3:
Exactly.

Writer 2:
Yeah that sounds really informative, and helpful. It could bring a lot of healing to people.

Writer 1:
I love when use this show as a platform to do some good.

DICK WOLF:
(knocking) HEY YOU JAGGOFFS BETTER LET ME IN THERE

Writer 3:
Oh Christ

Writer 2:
I thought he was on vacation-

Writer 1:
Let him in.

DICK WOLF:
BOOM! Ey, it’s me executive producer DICK WOLF and it’s time for the WOLF PACK to get to work! Fuck off! I love you guys.

Writer 1:
Mr. Wolf, sir —

DICK WOLF:
So what are you dickturkeys workin on today eh? Got some real grimy shit for the WOLF to chomp on?

Writer 3:
Actually, we’re working on a sensitive, well-researched portrayal of trauma and healing —

DICK WOLF:
FUCKING SNOOZE AM I RIGHT? Come on, wolf pack, sit down, grab yer laptops, I need you write this down.

Writer 2:
…Let me guess, a story ripped-from-the-headlines.

DICK WOLF:
Harold fuck off and listen, will you? This shit is incredible, check it: We open on a dark alleyway. Sound of heels clacking on the pavement. We pan up: it’s a pair of hot pink heels and a miniskirt filled out by an attractive, vulnerable young blonde —

Writer 1:
Let me guess, she’s an underage sex worker

DICK WOLF:
YEAH, YEAH, and she’s also part sex robot designed by a cabal of futurist monks, WE’RE GETTING THERE. But first…she steps across the pavement, clearly drunk, all confused, and then WHAM! She gets fucking KICKED IN THE CHEST BY A SCRUFFY, DRUGGED UP TONY DANZA!

Writer 2:
…Tony Danza? Is he…in the news?

DICK WOLF:
Nah nah, fuck you, I’m talking about the REAL Tony Danza. But he’ll be playing a thinly-veiled version of Charlie Sheen! Except instead of blowin lines and ranting bout having tiger blood, he’s gonna have WOLF BLOOD! WOLF PACK!

Writers:
(weak, unenthusiastic howl) ah-oo.

DICK WOLF:
I said wolf pack!

WRITERS:
Ahh-ooooo.

DICK WOLF:
So then, Tony Danza gets caught with the girl, turns out he’s best friends with a thinly-veiled version of R KELLY, and then they get the drop from DETECTIVE OLIVIA BENSON —

Writer 1:
Please don’t tell me her character is getting tied up and tortured again.

DICK WOLF:
I told you Henry, she gets kidnapped at least ONCE per SEASON. WOLF PACK RULES. Come on, it’s exciting! The WOLF is HUNGRY! The wolf needs OLIVIA BENSON BLOOD!

Writer 2:
This sounds really tasteless.

DICK WOLF:
Come onn, nahh, she’s gonna get a traumatic brain injury this time!

Writer 3:
We were working on a story about vaginismus.

DICK WOLF:
Okay, fine, so dig this: we get Blake Lively to come in, get her all greased up and cut her hair all fucked up, and have her play fuckin’ KESHA, who’s caught in a nasty legal battle with her former producer —

Writer 2:
Oh, great, we could really bring attention to her situation —

Writer 3:
And help her come forward about her abuse!

DICK WOLF:
And the producer is played by a psychotic MARTIN SHORT —

Writer 2:
Okay, nevermind

DICK WOLF:
And then she’s partying, and she’s got all them vagina pains, and then Detective Benson offers to help her, and then BOOM! She kills herself!

Writer 1:
Kesha, or Detective Benson?

DICK WOLF:
I DON’T KNOW! Probably Kesha.

Writer 3:
You always want to end the episode with somebody killing themselves.

DICK WOLF:
THE WOLF IS HUNGRY FOR TRAGEDY! AAH OOO

Writer 1:
Sir, do you really think this is the most sensitive route to take —

DICK WOLF:
Okay, fuck it, fine, I got one more. Write this down, my little beta wolves. It’s important. It’s a crossover with Chicago Fire.

Writer 1:
Oh, that would be great. There’s a lot of interesting character pairings to work with.

DICK WOLF:
Shut the shit up. We got NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DEBLASIO. Played by James Franco with some of that face putty crap on. He’s facing off with Chicago Mayor Rahm Douchefuck Emmanuel, played by Shia Lebouf with some of that Just for Men touch of gray spray on his sad little rattail dome.

Writer 3:
What is this episode about?

DICK WOLF:
I don’t even fucking know yet, BRING OUT THE DART BOARD.

Writer 1:
(sighs) Okay…here’s your darts Mr. Wolf.

DICK WOLF:
The wolf needs a story, DUCK MOTHER FUCKERS! (throwing darts) BAM BAM BAM! Whadda we got?

Writer 3:
Let’s see, first dart is on…dead body in the park found by stroller lady

DICK WOLF:
LOVE IT. Ooh, let’s make it LINCOLN PARK this time. Mix it up. Let’s say it’s a bloated body in the lake with some pantyhose hangin from its teats. Her name…was Grace. NEXT!

Writer 3:
Next dart is on…animal smuggling ring.

DICK WOLF:
I LOVE IT! Mayor Shia Lebouf Emmanuel calls in Manhattan SVU, because Grace’s death is related to an international gang that smuggles parakeets, cute little puma babies, and dehydrated Rhino dick into the country. NEXT!

Writer 3:
Let’s see…last dart says…goddammit

DICK WOLF:
WHAT? LAST DART SAYS WHAT?

Writer 3:
…hip-hop bestiality sex scandal

DICK WOLF:
LUCK BE A HOT BROAD TONIGHT! Turns out it wasn’t the animal smugglers AT ALL, the girl just happened to be an animal smuggler and then she got killed by one of her customers, a Rhino-dick-dust-snorting, shark fucking DJ JAZZY JEFF! He wrestles with detective Carisi and falls into the tank and gets his dick bitten off!

Writer 1:
Okay, so..that’s a lot, we might have to make this a two-parter —

DICK WOLF:
AND THEN DJ JAZZY JEFF KILLS HISSELF

Writer 3:
Of course.

DICK WOLF:
AND ICE T is SAD and he goes and hooks up with a street walker played by his WIFE, COCO-

Writer 2:
Okay. Great. That’s enough Mr. Wolf. Jesus.

DICK WOLF:
This is gonna be a great season. I can feel it. Huddle up my little wolf puppies.

Writer 2:
Do we have to-

DICK WOLF:
I SAYS HUDDLE UP! Wolf pack, wolf pack, WOLF PACK

Writers:
Ahh-oooo

DICK WOLF:
LOUDER AND THEN DO THE DUN-DUN THING AT THE END

Writers:
AHH OOO…Dun-dun

DICK WOLF:
AHHOOOO! GGRRRR! Yeahhh, that’s the stuff. Good job wolf pack, now GET WRITING. DICK WOLF OUT!

Writer 1:
I’m gonna murder that man.

DUN DUN

END

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