I relate so much to everything you've put here. I also flounder in unstructured social environments and feel like a broken NPC at most parties, wandering from one physical space into the next, cycling through activities in hopes something happens that I can respond to or take part in. Sometimes I can mentally disengage from the anxiety of doing that and just passively notice myself using such strategies, and recognize how much neurotypicals often do the same exact thing, just with what seems like a far more casual and incidental air about them. I even find it works at times. Just last night I was at a party and I spend a few minutes looking at art on the walls, wandering the hallways, and sitting in various places sipping various beverages and then eventually a conversation presented itself that I enjoyed the whole rest of the night. But in general, an open social environment feels like a minefield.

I have gotten a lot of value in the past few years from consistent social dates. I have a monthly comic book club that I love, and the members email one another throughout the month. I was in a weekly pub trivia group for a few years. Ive been in theater companies and weekly support groups and made great friends in spaces like those. I also watch movies almost weekly on Discord with some buddies. These are my "bump spaces", where we have found some shared thing to direct our attention, which then makes it possible for us to show up for one another. It's so funny how to socialize, one must have some goal other than socializing but that is still social. So funny how humans work.