I've been thinking a lot about narrative therapy lately, and existential therapy approaches, and the idea of the "redemptive self" as being a really healing self-narrative that we sometimes are fortunate enough to arrive at, as trauma survivors, given enough time and progress. I bet that one day you will look back on all the work you have done to educate people about these movements and shed light on them and feel good about the impact that you've made, but god, mourning those years is heavy and it's no wonder it haunting you at times. And maybe always will to some extent. That's a really complicated thing to grieve, and there aren't many scripts out there for what to expect. You are helping write those scripts for the people who come after you, but I know that can be a pretty meager comfort.