One does not simply “find a Dom.”

Kink isn’t about getting a partner, it’s about growing in community with your fellow freaks.

Want the thorns? Nurture the rose. Photo by Steven Haddock on Unsplash

This week in Sex Anarchy, we are considering two questions I received on Tumblr, both oriented around a quandary that many new kinksters face: how to go about finding a kink partner who fulfills your emotional and erotic requirements, whose desired role mirrors the role that you play in all of your fantasies, and who shares all your hyper-specific or niche kinks?

Spoiler alert: One does not actually find this person. The sexual or kinky play partner who arrives, fully-formed, as the perfectly-fitting lid to your pot does not exist, and framing kinky courtship as a search for your one True Dom misrepresents the amount of collaborative work that you must be willing to put in to every good scene.

A kinky dynamic is a thing that is made, through the repeated efforts of (at least) two people — and before a person is even capable of forming such a bond, they’ll usually have to develop a number of skills, both interpersonal and technical, and build some real connections within the kinky community of the non-sexy, not-immediately-gratifying variety as well.

Let’s first turn our attention to Tumblr user Soyboyfag, who wants to know how he might find a kinky partner…