Thank you for sharing this moving, raw reflection about the dread of mortality and the balm that fantasy can sometimes provide -- and sometimes fails to provide. I also disliked RWRB. It was too cheesy and inconsistent to comfortably settle into. But I tend not to be the sentimental sort -- too much open sentiment makes me feel self-conscious, and drags up my own irrational fears about wanting things that might make me pathetic, or about being somehow out of touch with reality. It's not really fair to the cheesy works of fiction that I bring all my baggage to it that way. It's just what happens.

I'm in a comic book club, and this month we are reading Heatstopper volume 1. To my surprise, I am really liking it! It's a digestible, comforting read, and I find myself not caring if it seems realistic! Instead I find myself *wishing* that queer kids got to grow up in the soft, loving world depicted in the comic, where kids can be out and find acceptance and friendship, where people communicate openly about their insecurities with good faith, and where you love can be respectful and healing. I can't place why Heartstopper hits in this way and RWRB doesn't, but I think there's more of an earnest belief in the values of the world Heartstopper depicts, whereas RWRB doesn't feel as lived in or genuine.

It never occurred to me before that older people might seek out rom coms and other kind of soft, sentimental media because reaching backward to a fantasized version of their pasts is the best way to derive comfort when the future no longer seems like it has much to offer. I'm a little embarrassed that I've never really understood before how that must feel. It must have been so gutting to see your father going through that, and now having to reflect on what will bring meaning and promise to the remaining years of your life. It's so terribly unfair... I don't want a vibrant, wonderful person like you to ever have to stop having new and fulfilling experiences. I don't want anyone I care about to have to grow old and die. There's that sentimentality in myself that I'm often afraid of, rearing its head. Some realities are just so painful and so difficult to accept that it hurts to even acknowledge the comforting fantasy that stands in opposition to it.

I'm so glad you're around. And I'm so glad I know you. I think you're an incredible person who has lived a dynamic, fascinating life, and I don't want that to ever have to stop. With your writing, and by sharing your many life stories, you help give all of us a chance to relive those past moments and find greater significance in all the experiences and feelings that we share. It's a rich, enduring legacy that you have built and are building. I hope that brings you some solace. It certainly comforts me more than a lot of cuddly rom commy fantasies are capable of comforting me -- because it reaches me someplace deeper, and more real.