Thank you for the comment Phil! I think really clear articulation of these (and other) consent guidelines could help everybody — a lot of women don’t know how to honor their own or others’ consent either, because they haven’t been taught to pay to their own signs of discomfort and honor them.

I think also that when we teach kids about sex and consent, we should have a meta-conversation that looks over and above these specific guidelines. Like, yes, these guidelines are helpful, but it’s also important for all of us to approach sex with an attitude of “what are we gonna do together? What do we want to do?” rather than “What am I gonna get?”. Even really good anti-assault programs for boys still tend to buy into the idea that every sexual encounter is approached with a goal of “getting somewhere”, and withdrawal of consent as a disappointment.

I’m curious what you, and other dudes, think about how we can most effectively reframe sex, without ignoring how powerful horniness really can be, especially in adolescence. It seems like very few discussions of this topic strike a balance between making people more responsible, and also acknowledging that biological urges and social conditioning are really powerful and you’re not a bad person if you’ve been influenced by them.

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