Thank you so much for saying that, Melody! Yes, what you’re going through may seem really strange or invalidating, but for PTSD and especially sexual trauma (sometimes called Rape Trauma Syndrome), it is super common. I think it partly has something to do with needing energy & safety in order to work through the trauma, and also to do with the fact that sexual & domestic violence often involves a layer of denial, self-blame, or willful avoidance. It sucks that we live in a world where rape victims are invalidated. It’s awful that we don’t support rape victims, and that our culture is so pervasively dismissive of sexual assault that many victims cannot even admit (either to themselves, to loved ones, or both) they were assaulted until years after the fact, when symptoms make it undeniable. It’s a cruel reality, but your reaction to it is not an uncommon one.
I have had suicide ideation related to this stuff, as well, so I do want you to know that it comes and goes. The desire to escape feeling how you’re feeling is, as I’m sure you know, not a death sentence. Sometimes sleeping in late and fantasizing about not existing can even strangely comforting, in a really dark way. I hope you know that’s all super common & okay & survivable too. Of course it’s not ideal — and if your thoughts get more graphic or specific or become a fully developed intention, seek out immediate help via email, hotline, or chat — but it is something that many people live with intermittently. Therapy is good, but in my experience, social support and support groups are even better. There is nothing quite like talking about your symptoms, your rage, your memories, etc with people who have been through similar things. There are so many awesome groups here, on Tumblr, and on Meetup. That and a handful of irl friends who are also survivors have totally saved me, truly.