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The Fear of Losing HRT is My Only Remaining Dysphoria Trigger
The one thing testosterone can’t cure is my fear of losing access to it
In the spring of 2020, I took a break from taking testosterone. Detransition was a desperate bid to win back the affection of the straight man I lived with who no longer desired me, and with whom, thanks to the lockdown, I suddenly had an endless, lonely expanse of time to spend.
Quitting T helped render my anguished loneliness tangible. I already felt deadened inside and unwanted, the vibrant queer social world that had embraced now suddenly locked away. It seemed fitting to put an end to my life as a man during that period. I was in stasis.
Off T, my bulked-up trapezius muscles quickly deflated. The hair on my stomach went blonde. The appealing, masculine puffiness of my brow receded, and my eyes opened up. Strangers at coffee shops began asking me if I was a college student. My breasts ballooned back to their original 34DDD dimensions. Random men started talking to me on the street. All the changes testosterone had granted me, all the benefits and risks, all of it, gone. Every bit of it reversible, despite all the transphobic fear mongering to the contrary. Years of progress, gone in a matter of weeks.
