There’s a smear of congealed Sonic Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Mastershake ™ on the bottom of my nose, up in the little barely noticeable nose cleft/facial ass crack that I inherited from my maternal grandpa. I had the shake like an hour ago but I just noticed it.
It’s not really a surprise though; whenever I really gorge myself on something with a terrible glycemic index (i.e., everyday), I get something up in there. Things like: smears of melted mellowcreme pumpkin. Gobs of marshmallow fluff. Peanut butter. Crystallized bits of dried pineapple. Etc.
This is hardly a unique problem, but: I have a compulsive sugar consumption habit combined with a mortal fear of developing diabetes and falling into a coma and dying, even though I know the evidence regarding sugar consumption and diabetes epidemiology is mixed to say the least. What this means, practically, is that I rapid-cycle between white-knuckled sugar denial, and sloven, irresponsible binging.
I can put away more sugar than like anybody. I’ll eat a whole bag of those big strawberry marshmallows in one sitting if there’s nobody around to notice. I can make about 50 of those fucking nauseating mellowcreme pumpkins disappear in like half an hour. I do not get cloyed easily. I normally shame-eat candy and tiny dried fruits from a crouching, squirrel-like posture in my kitchen, but I like having an excuse to eat crap with impunity.
All of which is to say, I was born to be a founding member of the Sonic Milkshake Shot Club. I’ve been meaning to work my way through that charming faux-retro fast food establishment’s enticing, diverse line-up of shake and malt flavors for a while, but it took co-blogger Ida Cuttler to get my ass in gear and commit to the project in an organized way.
So here we are, day 1, the inaugural post, the inaugural milkshake, the very bottom of Sonic’s rich, complex 25-shake list: The Chocolate Covered Strawberry Mastershake ™.
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When I ordered this mess, the cashier had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. The Chocolate-Covered Strawberry flavor was listed on Sonic’s animated menu-screen, but not on the static one hanging over the cashier’s head. Several flavors are conspicuously missing from there. When I ordered, she looked irritated and asked me if I wanted chocolate and strawberry mixed together. Normally I’m conflict-avoidant enough to just go with whatever weird crap a food establishment sales person will give me, but not today. The purity of the shot club list has to be maintained.
The shake, when it arrived, was a large even though I ordered a small. I think it was actually chocolate-covered strawberry rather than chocolate and strawberry mixed together, for reasons that will become clear, but I don’t know. It could be that all the complex flavors are really just existing flavors blended together. I will have to conduct further research on this conspiracy.
Ida & I had originally planned to scope out the menu and take paper copies of it home with us for strategy purposes, but they were out. They were also out of croissant buns for the Bacon Cheddar Croissant Dogs. Lots of harrowing disappointments. But every Hero’s Journey begins with challenging yet surmountable setbacks.
The milkshake tasted like the inside of a chocolate-covered strawberry shell, like the part on the inside of the chocolate that’s indented with hundreds of tiny strawberry seed divots, where the melted juice of the slushy, disintegrating strawberry drips and collects. You know what I mean?
Like if your mom sends you some Sherri’s Berries on your birthday and addresses them to your adjunct office at Loyola University Chicago but they accidentally get sent to the dormitory of a girl with the same name as you? And so by the time you actually receive them from your doppelganger (thanks Erica Price with a C) they’re a disintegrating gushy mess on the inside, but the chocolate is kind of wet and covered with strawberry gunk and tastes sorta good? It’s exactly like that.
Ida said that the milkshake was like (and she communicated this physically, so bear with me) if three people sitting at a table were comprised of chocolate and a fourth, smaller person who was comprised of strawberry swirled around in the middle of them, as if caught in one of those Disney World Teacups, dropping in hints of fruit flavor here and there. I can’t disagree; the flavor is overwhelmingly chocolate, with a swirl of fruity pizzazz.
Credit where credit is due: there are real chunks of strawberry in this motherfucker, or at least definitely strawberry seeds. I was able to make it through like 60% of the large shake without feeling sick or like my soft palate was coated in nectar-y mucous. I put the rest of the milkshake in the freezer, and will report back later on how its flavor profile and mouthfeel develop with age.
Overall I am pleased with the purchase, but would never feel any need on earth to make it again. I’m gonna give it a score of 6/10 half-melted mail-order chocolate-covered strawberries.
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Erika’s next shake: Strawberry.
Originally published at sonicshotclub.tumblr.com.