This all makes sense to me! I think it is important to welcome the bisexual lady with the straight husband into the queer world and to validate her, because she's often in a really dysfunctional and unhappy situation and coping with a lot of compulsory cishet cultural stuff, but you're also completely right that if her husband is present it's very likely he'll creep on people, violate people's space, be transmisogynistic, etc. It's a bit like being a supportive friend to a person in an abusive relationship in its delicacy...but no trans woman just trying to find community and resources for herself should have to bear the burden of all that every time she comes to a queer space.

A lot of these signifiers and fraught dynamics are definitely strongly associated with afab TME people who have a lot of privilege, often dabble in a lot of overt homophobia, and do make spaces less safe for trans femmes, sometimes even straight up sexually assaulting trans women without consequences. But I have heard from a lot of trans femme people in the comments here and on substack that they are "Annoying Queers" too, and haven't felt safe accessing LGBTQ community support for feeling they don't fit in. It seems to be mostly trans femme people who were in "straight" relationships and mistaken for straight men for a long time, and nonbinary trans femmes whose presentations are not taken seriously by a lot of (again mostly TME) people, but so I do see some overlap there. There is so obviously a massive transmisogyny problem in queer spaces and we need to keep waring against the ideologies that drive it...and if that means a few "theyfab" types get alienated and act exactly like cishet men when they get called on their misogyny, I do think that's absolutely fine.