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When I Was Borderline
If it’s situational, is it still a ‘personality’ disorder?
The news that an expert witness in Johnny Depp’s defamation trial against Amber Heard diagnosed Heard with Borderline Personality Disorder has gotten me thinking a lot about my past. So has the ensuing public discussion about Borderline, and the public reflections some BPDers have written about the immense stigma the diagnosis carries. Conversations about Depp’s addictions and potential self-injury and narcissism have given me real flashbacks to my old life too.
As someone who endured emotional and sexual abuse in past relationships, I see ghosts of myself in both Heard and Depp. I remember how it felt to be blocked from leaving my apartment, and forced to withstand a barrage of verbal attacks and insults, as Depp claims he was by Heard. I also recall how it felt to be permanently on edge around an unstable partner, feigning smiles and constantly scanning him for signs of an explosion, as Heard says she had to do with Depp.
I even know how blurry the line between abuser and victim can become in your mind when you’re in the thick of it. Like Heard, I sometimes escalated fights because I could not stand walking away from an unresolved conflict. And like Depp, I sometimes spat out witheringly cruel bon-mots and then coldly shut down. Like Heard, I took all of my…
