Member-only story
Is it Alexithymia, or is it Dissociation Fueled by Trauma?
Emerging research suggests they’re one and the same.
Since undergoing top surgery, I’ve become far more attuned to my body. I find it easy and natural to pull my chest upward toward the sky, expanding my upper torso and relieving the pressure on my back. With one heavy sigh I can drop my shoulders toward the floor, releasing all of the stiffness a desk job puts on my neck. I can tell when I’m tired, I can tell when I’m hungry. I was not like this before.
For years, feeling at ease was just something my body could not do, because I had so little access to it or awareness of its states. I couldn’t understand how I felt or how those sensations were communicated to others by my body and face. My external form was a mystery to me, and a stiff, inert husk to everybody else.
That’s all changed dramatically. From the moment my surgical binder came off, I could breathe away all the tension and stress in my body, as easily as blowing a loose hair from my face. The way my chest muscles connect to my arms and back suddenly made sense, and I could adjust each of them in relation to one another the moment I felt stiff.
After top surgery, I realized for the first time that when a person walks, their arms and shoulders are meant to move, fluidly, as…
